Kandy's Full Narrative
Kandy was currently enrolled in the math undergraduate program in the university. She was admitted to the program with an International English Language Testing System (IELTS) spoken score of 6 with an overall score of 6.5 out of 9. She had been in Canada for a year and a half when I spoke with her.
Figure 1. The Scream, artistic representation of Kandy’s story, chosen by Kandy (Munch, 1893)
4.1.1 Kandy’s description of her artistic representation.
When I found myself not able to say what I thought and how I felt, I just felt like that person in The Scream. Once the Canadian students started to talk, I would start thinking in my head “Oh my God! Why are they speaking so fast? Oh my God! Why can’t I speak? Oh my God! Why didn’t I say it right? Oh my God! Why?” I felt so constrained and so confined. I could not talk with anyone about those frustrating feelings, and had to keep them all to myself. Sometimes, it was really hard to manage and I felt like screaming. But I couldn’t do it, because I was afraid that the sound would attract attention.
4.1.2 Kandy’s narrative.
Before I came to Canada, I was pretty confident that I would be able to communicate in English and make many Canadian friends. Because in my high school English classes, all we focused on was English test preparation for good grades, and I usually could get somewhere around 135 out of 150 (90%), so all my teachers and parents were praising me and saying, “Your English sounds great!” Basically, as long as you could get a good grade, they would not really care about how well you actually spoke English. Now I realize they don’t even know what it really means to speak great English.
But, after all that praise, I started to think that my oral English was really good, thinking to myself, “Ah, it’s just speaking ABCs. How hard could it be?” So, I was so excited when I just arrived here, basking in the beautiful landscape of Canada. I felt so lucky to be able to study in such a wonderful place. I was very enthusiastic about communicating with people around me, trying to initiate conversations in English. Everything seemed so exciting.
However, very soon, my excitement was replaced by shock, embarrassment, and frustration. Canada is a place where people don’t use English just for testing, but for everything. It suddenly dawned on me that my oral English was worlds apart from the English spoken by Canadians. In fact, I found my oral English communication ability was at the very bottom of the bottom among the students around me, and my English teacher back in China was not even speaking English but Chinglish, which is a blend of Chinese and English, the whole time. That discrepancy between my anticipated reality and the actual reality was a sudden and fierce blow to me. My excitement started to wash away when I felt my oral English communication ability was not adequate to support and sustain my excitement. When I constantly found myself not being able to say things that I wanted to say, I felt frustrated. The more excited I was, the more frustrated I got. Sometimes, I even felt ashamed because I was not even able to deal with simple English conversations after years of studying English. My oral English deficiency posed barriers in every aspect of my life in Canada, both academically and non-academically.
First of all, the all English-medium instruction of courses was totally overwhelming. I almost could not understand the lectures at all. When other students were listening and asking questions to communicate with the professors, all I could do was just try to frantically jot down as many pages of notes as possible. Sometimes, even the writing of the professor was indecipherable, so I had to try to figure out what he actually wrote down while frantically writing ahead, which was just slow. I also often found myself not able to understand my own notes afterwards when I went back to study them. But I know the professor probably had already explained things orally in class, because he would be talking and explaining while writing. But I was too consumed by writing down the notes to pay attention to what he was saying or I just did not understand what he said anyway. But other students with high English proficiency not only could understand the writing of the professor but also understand his talking, and were able to raise questions to have their confusions cleared right away. But I could not understand the lecture, nor was I able to ask questions. As a result, I had to spend much more time on the content than the Canadian students or students with adequate English listening and speaking ability. Consequently, my time schedule was always tight, and I felt constantly tense and stressed, both physiologically and psychologically.
My oral English deficiency not only made communication with the professors difficult, but also with other Canadian students. When I just freshly came to school, there were activities and parties going on in the residence building for students to get to know each other and socialize. But once the Canadian students started to talk, I was just totally overwhelmed, thinking to myself, “Oh my God! Why are they speaking so fast? I can’t follow what they are saying at all.” I did not hang out with them much because it was just too hard to hang out with people that you couldn’t communicate with. Then I panicked when I saw my name was the only Chinese name on the group list for the Faculty orientation week. I had no idea who the other students on the list were. We were not even in the same residence building so we would not even have extra time to get to know each other. I was so nervous about meeting them the night before the orientation week, constantly thinking to myself in my room alone, “What am I going to do tomorrow? What am I going to say? How am I going to talk to them? Will they listen to my talking?” Fortunately, the next day, I found there were a few patient students willing to listen to my slow talking. I felt that was the best I could ask for. But during the breaks I would go to other Chinese students in other orientation groups to talk, just as all the other Chinese students were doing.
What stressed and frustrated me even more was the academic communication with other Canadian students in classes or tutorials. I remember once a Canadian student asked me a question in a tutorial session, and I felt really happy that she asked me. So, I started to explain to her right away. I felt all fine until I saw that, “Uh…. I don’t understand what you are talking about!” expression on her face. Then I started feeling so nervous that I could even feel my lips trembling while talking and thinking to myself, “God! What part doesn’t she understand? What did I say that she doesn’t understand?” Then I got totally messed up and tried to explain to her all over again. But she still could not understand, having that question mark expression on her face the whole time. Then I felt so frustrated, embarrassed, and ashamed somehow. But there was nothing else I could do, because I had already tried to my best oral capacity. Then another student saw this, came over, and said, “Let me try.” Then the student who was confused by me understood right away. At that moment, I thought to myself “God! My oral English is so horrible! And everybody was telling me I spoke great English in China!” It shattered my confidence. That student never came to me for any questions anymore, and I would try to sit as far as possible away from her in the remaining tutorials as well.
Overall, I felt very constrained by my oral communication deficiency academically, and I got very nervous and anxious when talking with professors and other students in English. I was so anxious that I could not even sit still in class. I did not know where to look when talking, and would tap my feet on the ground when sitting. Because I found that my oral English was not good at all after I came to Canada. I was always slow and making mistakes when talking. Somehow, I felt I was not good enough compared to other Canadian students or other students with sufficient oral English proficiency.
Along with all these academic barriers that I faced due to my inadequacy of oral English proficiency, the obstacles and frustrations outside the classroom were no less frequent. I felt insecure because almost everything else I did outside of the classroom was related to speaking. Generally, there are not really that many occasions where you need to use writing in Canada. Most of the time, everywhere you go, people are just talking. For example, when I had just arrived, one of the first things I needed was to get a phone number and a phone plan. I did not know how it worked in Canada, and I felt other Chinese students that I knew back then were pretty much confused themselves, so I called up the service line of the phone company. However, I could not understand what the operator was saying nor could he understand what I was saying. So, we ended up talking for a long time. What was more frustrating was that the problem I had still was not fixed after such a long and hard conversation. I felt like breaking down many times talking on the phone, and I felt the operator shared similar feelings. It was a very simple problem that would have been solved right away in China, but, at that moment, a simple problem seemed insurmountable. At last I said, “OK. Maybe I will call you next time.” He said “OK.” I could almost feel that he was relieved after what I said. Then I would call again because a phone was a necessity. And the same long conversation would happen again. After multiple times of calling and almost a week had gone by, I finally understood that I could fix the problem online myself. Then I went online and I have never called that service line ever again.
Even when I went out for eating, I was not sure whether I would be able to get what I wanted to eat. Once I went to a pizza store alone. The waiter’s speaking was too fast for me. I could hardly understand him. What made things worse was that I did not know how to say the things that I wanted properly, although I could read them. So eventually, I just said, “I want this and this and this…” Then I saw the other two staff giggling behind the counter while I was trying to get through this embarrassing situation of food ordering. Maybe they tried to be discreet. But I happened to be looking around because of the embarrassment, so I saw them laughing. It was a very empty store, and I remember clearly that I was the only customer. Even though they weren’t pointing fingers directly at me, I could feel literally that they were laughing at me for my mistakes. When I was already feeling so embarrassed for the mistakes I made, their laughing just made it painfully unforgettable, which is why I still remember this until now.
At the beginning of my study here, my Canadian roommates would invite me to events and parties with them. Every time when they asked me, I felt so happy. But after a few times, I started to think, “What’s the point of going anyway? I won’t understand what they will be talking about nor will I be able to really talk. I will just be making a fool out of myself again.” So, I stopped going and then after a while they stopped asking as well.
People always remember their failures and mistakes the best. Moments like this would come flashing back in front of me during specific occasions. Then I would regret how I simplified studying abroad in a foreign English-speaking country and why I did not train myself enough in oral English communication before I came. Only after I arrived in Canada did I realize how important oral English proficiency is to my study here, influencing everything in my life from the second I got on that international flight to the second I returned. It made my life here, academic and non-academic, unsecured and myself insecure.
When you are home surrounded by your family and friends, you probably feel it is not as big a deal when things get tough because you have someone to fall back on. But when you are an international student, far away from home, all alone, treading on a completely foreign land, everything seems heavier on your shoulders. When I was alone in my room, I would think about those moments of communication frustration and embarrassment. Then I just felt I was not made to communicate with people in English and started to close myself up. Then I felt it was only safe to talk with Chinese students. As if I could get some sense of security from talking fluently and expressing freely with them. All the Canadian students are very nice and friendly, but if you can’t communicate with them, well, they are not going to really talk much with you, and then you feel rejected. Then you feel like an outsider with them. Believe me when I say the constant feeling of rejection is not a good one. So, I gave it up gradually and stayed in the Chinese students’ community. The conversation between Canadian students and me just remained daily conversations only.
I am not complaining about the Canadian students or accusing them of anything. I know that I speak with a strong Chinglish accent. I feel this influences the feeling of acceptance from the Canadian students somehow, because the first thing one feels when talking to me is difference instead of familiarity. I know someone who has lived in Toronto for years and speaks very fluent English but with an obvious accent. And all her friends are still Chinese. Besides, I understand that if it is difficult to even talk about simple content with someone, one naturally would not want to go any further. Chatting should be spontaneous and at ease. If you constantly have to stop to explain things, the enthusiasm people have for continuing the conversation decreases. The more you explain, the less you talk. My oral communication deficiency imposes a challenge on the patience of the person talking to me as well. Although people are generally nice here and do not seem impatient or upset when talking to me, I think they probably are not happy about trying so hard to follow a conversation. I would feel the same way if I were in China, talking in Chinese with someone foreign that I constantly couldn’t understand. I would not want to nor try to talk too much with him either.
So, I mainly stay and communicate with Chinese students, speaking Chinese. It is very noticeable that Chinese students always flock together, and whenever Chinese students flock together, we usually all speak Chinese even if it is in Canada and we are well aware English is the most frequently required language. But when there are two language options available and you are only proficient in one of them and that one is your native language, you naturally just go with your native language. I mean, why speak English with people that you can talk to in Chinese when you can’t really understand each other in English? For communication convenience and efficiency, we always speak Chinese. Another reason is that we don’t want to show our shortcomings in front of other people either, because we all know that our oral English is bad. Honestly, I am not living in an English-speaking environment even though I am studying in a Canadian university full of English-speaking students.
I was all excited to come and talk with other English-speaking people. But after so many frustrations, I started to close myself up. After all, communication is a two-way conversation, which you can’t do on your own. You can’t really become close friends with the English-speaking students if you can’t orally communicate well with them. Then you feel rejected and lonely. When you are on a foreign land, far away from home with nothing familiar around you, you naturally want to look for someone you can rely on. So that when you fill out the emergency contact at the hospital, you would not feel like there is no name to put down. It is not because I don’t want to engage in more conversations with English-speaking students but because it is just too hard when your language ability is not matching up with your desire for conversation. That feeling of being unable to speak is not just frustrating and embarrassing but also suffocating. That feeling of, “Oh my God! Why can’t I speak? Oh my God, why didn’t I say it right? Oh my God! Why?” is heart wrenching and overwhelming. It just feels like the person in The Scream. That kind of embarrassment when you can’t think of the words to say what you want to say–when you constantly stutter even if you have the words, when you find out they don’t understand you after you finally get the words out of your mouth–is beyond words, just like that person in The Scream. It is just so difficult, when your oral communication capacity is deficient, to become part of the world that you are supposed to be in, and social circles just don’t blend.
But I can’t tell those feelings to anyone. Because I don’t want my parents to worry nor do I want to disappoint them because they had expectations of me and thought I spoke great English. Friends back in China can’t really understand what it is like even if I tell them because they have not really lived those experiences. I can’t talk about these feelings with other Chinese students around me either, because I feel they feel the same way and it would get too depressing for everybody if we started talking about those negative feelings. Every time when we started to talk about those depressing and frustrating things too much, I would diverge immediately to a lighter topic like, “Hey, what do you guys want for dinner?” I guess as international students, one thing we all have to do is control our feelings and emotions to take care of ourselves. I thought about using the counselling service on campus but then I realized, “It’s English. I can’t even talk with people about simple stuff. How am I going to talk with the counsellor? I want to go talk about my problem of talking but I would find myself not even able to talk about my problem of talking. It would just make me feel more embarrassed. Do you understand that?” So, I gave it up because of my oral communication constraints. I did not ask other Chinese students whether they used counselling service or how to use the counselling service either, because, back in China, people usually think of people who need to go to counselling as some kind of crazy maniac. So, it would be really weird to ask them.
Consequently, I had to keep all those feelings to myself though it was heart wrenching and I felt like the person in The Scream. When harbouring all those feelings in myself, it’s just like I could actually hear that silent scream in that painting. Depressing. The most I could do was just rip my blankets and punch my pillows alone in the room when it got too hard to manage, and I wanted to smash things to vent. I couldn’t smash those heavy and hard objects because I was afraid the sound would attract attention. It was a really lame way to vent but also the only way.
Meanwhile, I felt so regretful about not having trained myself to speak English well before I came. Now oral English proficiency is more important than reading, writing, and even listening to me. Almost everything is based on oral communication here. Even when you just try to ask for directions, choose a course, rent a room, or go shopping. Literally almost everything. One might manage to handle the most basic survival things without much talking but anything else other than that would be very time consuming. It is just a brutal waste of life-time! Before I came, I just focused on preparing how to handle the lifestyle differences, like how to cook and live all by myself. But then I realized, if you are able to communicate in English properly, everything will be fine. Imagine if you study and live in China and you can’t speak Chinese, no matter how wonderfully you cook, it is still better that you can’t cook but are able to speak the Chinese language.
The English that I studied in China, whether at school or with those language testing preparation companies, was so different from the English that I am actually dealing with in Canada. I studied English more than 10 years in China. All those testing papers and the vocabulary books I crammed into my head are useless when I really need to use English to communicate here. My head literally felt like exploding when I was forced to cram so many words into it. But now either I don’t remember those words anymore or people don’t understand when I say the ones I do remember.
But I still really want to improve my oral English proficiency, and I think it is also possible. I am already in Canada. There are so many resources out there. I figure if I train myself hard enough, I should be able to communicate orally confidently one day. But the problem is I don’t know how to train myself. All that training I had back in China obviously did not work but I don’t know what else would work. I feel like I have tons of energy but I don’t know where and how to use it to really improve my oral English. I tried to ask Canadian students how they studied English. But then I realized it was a stupid question to ask. Just like if a Canadian student were to ask me how to study Chinese, I would feel that it is a very valuable question but also a very difficult one to answer.
So, I am still utterly confused. Trying to imitate native speakers around me is not enough. For instance, I still don’t know how to say “gym” correctly. Every time I talk to the Canadian students, they think I am saying “dream” instead. So, whenever I tried to say “gym,” I would have to stop to think about it. They would always say, “repeat after me.” I would repeat after them every time. But every time I said it differently. Even I could tell that I said it differently every time. So, I still don’t know how to say “gym” correctly after more than a year in Canada. It is just frustrating. I see hope but I don’t know how to grasp upon that hope to make it happen.
